Comedy. Sports. Guns. Daiquiris.
By Mik Throntveit
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WELCOME TO THE VULVA BABY! YOU’RE GONNA DIE!!!:
A man and a woman go into a dr’s office. They look hopeful and excited.
DOCTOR: Mr and Mrs. Johnson (Builds tension)… I have the great news you’re looking for.
The couple gets extremely excited and start hugging and crying etc.
MR JOHNSON (GARY): Oh my god doc thank you! (Turns to his wife) Honey, you’re pregnant this is amazing. This is awesome!
MRS. JOHNSON (BETTY) (just sits there and weeps and says softly: This is the happiest day of my life. Gary I love you so much, we’re gonna have a baby together. Dr thank you so much.
The Dr to this point has smiled and nodded along with everything, generally happy for the couple.
DOCTOR: It’s been a long hard road for you two. First the two lost pregnancies and then the quick trip down the stairs a few months ago. I’m very happy for you two. Let’s celebrate with some sandwiches.
The Doctor pulls out a plate of submarine sandwiches.
MR JOHNSON: Oh no thank you, we just ate before we came here, but thank you.
DOCTOR: I insist. They’re from Quiznos.
MRS JOHNSON: Thank you really doctor, but we had a nice spaghetti lunch. (Continuing fast) Ha, isn’t that funny. Have you ever noticed that people point out when they have spaghetti? Like “have a nice spaghetti dinner”? People really don’t say “I had a sandwich din…
DOCTOR: APPARENTLY! You two don’t know what the word ‘insist’ means. I INSIST we eat these sandwiches.
The couple timidly looks at each other and realize the doctor means business. They simultaneously reach for sandwiches and begin weirdly eating them. The Doctor smiles and sloppily eats at his sandwich. We fade out on the doctor with a shit eating grin on his face.
(Time has passed)
DOCTOR: So how were the sandwiches?
DOCTOR: Great. Back to business. Mrs. Johnson, since you obviously tried to have 2 miscarriages and threw yourself down the stairs, I couldn’t in good conscious impregnate you with your loving husband’s seed. (The couple is confused and horrified).
DOCTOR (CONT). I know, I hate when people refer to jizz as a man’s seed too, but it seemed more appropriate. I am in fact a doctor. Anyway, Mrs. Johnson since I suspect you being an awful person… I decided to take your hubands ejaculate and your eggs and… Gary… I made you pregnant.
GARY (Immediately): I want an abortion.
DOCTOR: Oh (long pause) well… Ah, Gary you a drinking man?
GARY: Everyday. I’m drunk now. (Lifts booze bottle from beside him).
DOCTOR: Oh good. Well, I’d say just stick with that. Maybe even kick it up a bit. I don’t know how to do a man abortion. Jesus, how would that work? (Thinks to self) Go in through the dick? No that’s ridiculous. Just cut through the abdomen.
Suddenly, Betty who has been too horrified to do anything. Has plunged a large kitchen knife into Gary’s stomach and is letting out a blood curdling scream. SAVE THE WHALES!!!
Sometimes my co-workers are freAKING hilarious. I was talking with my boss about horror movies, like I do at my awesome job, and I said, “they kind of slipped up on the Freddy Krueger redesign,” and one of my other co-workers, who is not a professional comedian chimed in and said, “Did they give him corn rows.” I ALMOST FUCKING PUKED SHIT it was so funny. Comedy is happening folks. LIVE IT!